Got married Wasn't in love

It was the summer 1974. Can't even remember what month of day..I got married..Everything is a blur..I remember standing at the top of the stairs in my home..His brother coming up the stairs..Complimenting me about that day. He said you look just like a doll..It was the nicest things I heard said to me in a long time..I am only 17 years..with a 17 year old mind...But still I was impress..Feel with all kind of expectation of a fairytale life..as all young girl. have..Not knowing in reality..Marriage is what you make it..and you need to get to know the person. ..before you marry him. .does he or she fix the expectation you want for a husband. at least 85.9 percent..Will he make a good father..what is the relationship with his mother. These I know now..Oh yeah! are there any tell tale signs of abuse or any form mentally or physical..None, that I notice..but soon. I found out.. I should have ran..but my complaciness.and love of family..kept me there...and my two sons..Time brings on history. History brings somethings..But, too end the question..I did learn to love him..it would have been enough if not for the physical abuse..but enough of that..that will come in a book. maybe..don't want to put out another abusive wife syndrome book. not to deflate abuse..because I was abuse physically..So don't jump the gun ..domestic violence advocate..Wondering why I ever got married that day...I was inmature.and thought running away from a loving, strong and domineering mother in to the arms of a fairytale husband in my fantasy..would  solve everything..Boy, then I learn my lesson fast..Wrong solution, wrong answer..You have to try to fix the problem in front of you before you can go on to another form of relationship..I just wanted to get away from Momma..Ladies!!Don't do it..you are setting yourself for failure..Now divorce. young .no job..No self esteem..and stuck..No dreams..Life is a struggle..Life could have been better..Kids are adults and have kids of their own..I am over fifty..Doing well..Could have done better..Should have went back to school..Work harder..But, I didn't..So now life is what you make it..Life is Grand..For it could have been worse..I seen worse.What I am saying ladies make good choice..Follow the wise path..but if you want to be hard headed and follow the unstable road..then, life will be what you make it.....H.A.R.D.. But F.A.I.R....So be thankful..I am Grateful..

After looking back over my life after 50..It almost sad and depressing..yet there was periods of joy and excitement..I thought to myself what accomplishment have I achieve. I am not a middle class income women..I am not poverty level either..so where do I fit in..More depressing just writing this..Ok..grandkids a joy.Thats a improvement...Grown kids..love them dearly..Friends loving to come to me for advice or just to listen..I wonder why? Do they think I have this wonderful insightfulness..Wisdom beyond measure...Ugh???..Wonder do they know..I am human..with imperfection hidden from their eyes...Not by choice...Predestined to suffer in silence...Saddening delimina..Who will hear this woman cry after 50. Spiritual life..in a battle of flesh and spirit..so time consuming..so energy depleting..so confusing..Ugh..So incomplete. God help this woman over 50. I should have started a journal after 17..when I got married so young.and imaturely..Wow.I wasn't even in love..Just the thing to do get married and have kids..The American Dream..Sorta like a nightmare..Two Kids..Then Divorce..What????..Singleness..Who would have imagine this....Set back..couldn't seem to ever recover from that episode...Lovers, Friends..couldn't tell the different..S.T.O.P..this is not a book you are writing but a blog alter ego..Gee thanks..for the wake call..Reality.Still Single..Call the bouquet at my daughter wedding..first one..I think..who can remember..but If it was..Why am I still Single...I even meet this friend..and Thought that this was profound husband sent by God..Wow..what a devastation. that was..Lonely and a man..don't mix..after 7 years of celibracy..What a utilmate..let down..in every way..Smile..Then I went through Spirtual depletion..I tried and convicted myself..no matter..how many times God forgave me I couldn't forgive myself..This really suck everytime I think I am heal..Ugh hear comes the battle again..Soul searching..at the momemet..Will I get over this 50 thing and finally find happines????..whatever that is..Smile.I'll get back with you let you..or Not.. Thanks Alter ego after 50